Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson Says it’s ‘Racist’ to Incarcerate Criminals
Mayor Brandon Johnson dropped a revelation so groundbreaking it left reporters blinking in slow motion: putting dangerous people in jail is apparently racist, immoral, and (checks notes) unholy.
“We cannot incarcerate our way out of violence. We’ve already tried that and we ended up with the largest prison population in the world without solving the problem.”
“That is racist, immoral, and unholy,” Johnson said, repeating the phrase for emphasis.
Speaking on Tuesday with the serene confidence of a man who has never once been mugged at gunpoint, the mayor explained that America’s “reliance on incarceration” is why we have the world’s largest prison population. He then delivered the knockout punch: “That is racist, immoral, and unholy.”
He did not elaborate on which part of the Holy Trinity finds “don’t murder people” problematic, but sources close to City Hall say the mayor is workshopping a new Beatitude: “Blessed are the repeat armed robbers, for they shall inherit the block.”
When pressed by a reporter on what Chicago should do instead of, you know, incarcerating individuals who shoot other individuals keep shooting, Johnson pivoted to the classic progressive triple axel: root causes, systemic inequities, and historic disinvestment. He landed it perfectly, sticking the dismount with a passionate call for… thoughts and prayers, but make it secular and government-funded.
Crime victims in attendance were unavailable for comment, as many were busy being dead.
The remarks come at a time when Chicago is on pace for its 600th homicide of 2025, a milestone the city celebrates every year with fireworks (the involuntary kind). Carjackings are up 12%, robberies are up 18%, and the only thing trending downward is the mayor’s approval rating and the number of people willing to visit the Magnificent Mile after dark.
Truly, we are living in the stupidest timeline.
